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[31 Jan 2008|12:28pm] |
By the way, I absolutely cannot get enough of this boy.
Why am I doing this to myself again? :-)
I'm super excited to see where he's taking me for my birthday.
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(just might make me believe)
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[18 Dec 2007|01:19am] |
I am not a fan of the fact that I feel like I left part of my heart in Troy, NY.
Meh.
Stupid.
I don't do things like this.
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(just might make me believe)
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[03 Dec 2007|11:15am] |
I'm listening to every girly song I know.
And I'm hoping this feeling doesn't go away.
Cause every time I look at you I feel like the silliest person around.
Cause you give me butterflies in my stomach.
This whole relationship thing is a new one.
Seriously, I'm the happiest girl at RPI right now.
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(just might make me believe)
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[17 Oct 2007|03:24pm] |
A week ago things seemed so happy.
October, please stop kicking me in the balls I don't have.
I need something happy to come about, soon.
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(just might make me believe)
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[15 Aug 2007|11:09pm] |
Things are changing really fast. Old feelings are resurfacing, resentments are healing, and I realized today that I'm happy with my life thus far and how everything has turned out. All the awkward, messy, painful, terrible moments have somehow given way to amazing, infinite, beautiful moments. And together they make this crazy stage that I like to call my life. I've come to terms with my feelings for this place and the people here. I'm happy to say that I can leave here without looking back. Everything I needed to say I've said, and everything I needed to do has been done. I can leave here on Saturday morning without a second glance in my rearview mirror. Am I sad? Absolutely not. Am I bitter? Not anymore. I've taken all I can from this place and these people. And I'm ready to take on the new challenges. The new challenges are more exciting and can take me more places. I wish everyone the best.
Please keep in touch. I'm not sure how frequently I'll be on in the coming months.
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(1 | just might make me believe)
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[07 Aug 2007|12:08am] |
Livejournal land.
I leave next Saturday, August 18th.
If you love me, hang with me between now and then.
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(1 | just might make me believe)
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[20 Jul 2007|09:23pm] |
So let's be honest, shall we?
Probably the hardest thing ever is going to be saying goodbye to Matthew. I love that kid. I've decided that he's coming to school with me so that we can continue being the coolest kids around. Because without him I will not be one of the cool kids...I'll just be a cool...kid. And that's not allowed. I need my counterpart to be wicked gay with me. Damn it.
Anyway. So, um, college hasn't started and, yeah. Bye Chariho. I love all the friends I've made at RPI so far. I just wish that orientation wasn't such a goddamn tease. "Welcome to college life for two days...oh right, now go back home to your life and uh, peace!" No, I want to go back. *whine* Seriously, college is going to be ridiculous. But I know I need to get more organized or there's going to be a massive issue. I'm kind of over the whole Chariho thing. People I thought I knew who are showing their true colors. Like fuck that. Don't act like my friend and when shit gets bad, bail. I don't have time for that. So fuck you.
And holy shit there are a lot of guys at RPI. Problems are starting...and my whole "anti-relationship" stance is being challenged. By one who I'm visiting in two weeks (going to Maryland...nuts, much? excited, much?) and one who I met at orientation. I need to stay focused though...because I do not want to be in that position just yet. Then there's Chris who I all of a sudden feel like such a dirtbag around...but I'm not supposed to know...and...yeah. This is a whole different situation for me. I'm the girl that sits in the corner and no guy ever talks to. Yeah, not anymore. I'm obnoxiously social and all of a sudden I don't know what to do, and it doesn't help that I'm completely oblivious to anyone who makes a pass at me. You could be screaming it in my face and I'd be like "Durrrrr? *drool* Wha?" I'm effing retarded. But I like my current status. Mother fucker. Yeah, 3:1 ratio? Fucking a. *must stay focused*
Yeah, please let it be August 18th. So I can meet even more people when mother nature kicks my ass and I go Whitewater rafting.
Three weeks of work left. Holy mother fucking hell. This summer is just flying by. I'm happy.
Classes, eh?
Intro to Engineering
Chem 1 (again)
Calc 1 (again)
Intro to Nuclear Engineering
Reasoning of Thought
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(just might make me believe)
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[04 Jul 2007|10:56pm] |
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I haven't felt this heartbroken in a very long time. And it's all my fault. Get me out of here.
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(just might make me believe)
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[28 Jun 2007|09:48pm] |
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I hate the fact that my feelings have kind of taken over. No, it's not allowed.
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(just might make me believe)
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| Life is only as good as the memories we make |
[14 Jun 2007|09:08pm] |
So I sit here, an 18 year old woman (weird, much) looking back on four years of my life and wondering how to make sense of all of it. High school has been one crazy ride, but I wouldn't change any of it for anything. Feelings of nostalgia are completely overwhelming me right now. I'm looking through pictures from the past four years and wondering where all the time went. When did all of that happen? Where did my senior year go? I know I wanted it to pass quickly, but tomorrow is it. I walk across that big stage tomorrow.
I suppose I spent way too much of high school being angry. Angry at the world for what seemed like unacceptance of the person I was. But I was really angry at myself for not liking me and not knowing how to change it. I somehow thought that everyone else was the cause for my anger, but it really was no one but me. I wish I could go back to ninth grade and relive some of those moments, not so I could change them, just so I could figure out what I felt at the time, because I know I didn't know enough about me to know what my true feelings were. So I just got mad and lashed out at everything and everyone. It took time for me to understand what truly means to love yourself, not despite your imperfections, but because of them. I learned that I'm a strong girl, I don't need anyone's help, but those who are willing to break down the barrier are more than welcome to try and help me figure out this crazy game. I also learned that I need to see the good in people, because everyone has a glimmer in them that needs to be seen. I also know that I need to give myself a break, take a step back, and accept. Whether it be accept what has happened or accept the fact that I need to work harder to ensure it doesn't happen again. Whatever it is, I just need to do it. I also know that I need to sometimes put myself first, because putting myself last doesn't work. And I have to just tell you how I feel, come out and say it. Because you deserve to know, and I deserve to have it off my chest after this long. What do I have to lose? NOTHING. And I'll regret not saying anything.
Basically I have no one to thank for the magic of my high school years besides the amazing friends that stuck by my side even through moments of hardship and bullshit and then those wonderful infinite moments. Here's to my Cara, Matt, AO, Patty, Paul, Aimee, Shannon, Clay, Kacie, Brendon, Nicole, Jackie, Fales, Kayla, Michelle, Ben, even John...and everyone else who I'm inevitably forgetting. We all fell hard and got back up, some more quickly than others, and attempted to learn from those mistakes we had made. We all offered a shoulder or anything we could when something was needed. I don't know where I would be without all of you. There has been a lasting impact on my heart from every person that I have met throughout my high school career. Even those who I didn't get close with until this year, you have touched me in some way. I'm not ready to leave you, but then again, I don't think I'll ever sit here and go "I want to be rid of all of you, you all suck." I have to be forced to leave you, but the rest of you are leaving too, so it makes that pain a little less. And when we don't know each other anymore because too much time has passed, I'll still know the person who I looked forward to seeing at that place we called high school. I can't quite seem to say everything that's in my head right now...but this has been a journey. A journey I never thought I would finish, but the gown is on the back of my door and the cap is in my top drawer. I've got a tassle that says "O7" and a date circled on the calendar that happens to be tomorrow. Where did the time go? I'm not quite sure. But I'm quite sure that no time was spent wasted. I can't go back and change anything, I don't wish to. I want to sit here and relive the moments of my past that make me smile. And there are so many I can't stop. I don't want this to be the end of the people I met, but if it is, that's okay. Because we're all going on to bigger and better things. Chariho was a good wading pool, with it's turf farms and protection, we all managed to conquer it's little battles and make it to this day. I'm going to miss this place, not because I want to stay, but because I'm going to want to stay with the people who make it enjoyable.
Holy shit guys, we did it.
Here's to the nights we felt alive
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(4 | just might make me believe)
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| What's up LiveJournal? Let's talk, okay? |
[05 Jun 2007|11:12pm] |
I hate feeling smothered. I've become accustomed to the life I created after John and I broke up. I'm totally cool with not talking to someone all the time, not having someone breathing down my neck asking me what I'm doing at every spare moment. It's cool. I'm independent, and btw, I don't really need you.
It'd be cool if it were just one person. But I cannot seem to escape what's going on. These people don't know shit about me. Somehow I manage to get myself in these situations, granted, I'm an idiot sometimes, but still. You don't need to know what I"m doing at every possible moment. No, you don't. Okay? I'm not interested in a relationship, at least not now. I've got two months left in this town, let me go. How is it that all throughout high school getting a guy to even look in my direction was like pulling teeth...now I can't seem to just meet someone and be friends with them. Everyone expects and wants something. I sound terrible. I wish I could make this sound less conceited. But I can't. So I won't. Oh LiveJournal.
And anyway, there's one, maybe two, people who actually make me want to drop everything and exclusively date them.
Just let me breathe, damn it. It's fine to talk, it's fine to do all that. But just let me breathe. I can't make that transition that fucking quickly.
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(just might make me believe)
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[30 May 2007|10:34pm] |
No, you don't like me, love me, anything me. Because you barely fucking know me.
Back the fuck off.
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(just might make me believe)
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[26 May 2007|11:57pm] |
I'm so tired of being lied to.
It honestly kills me how easily it happens.
What the fucking hell.
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(just might make me believe)
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[19 May 2007|10:37pm] |
Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life, what's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me
And how broken my heart is?
It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you if you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend
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(just might make me believe)
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[14 May 2007|09:46pm] |
I'm frustrated as hell. I know no one reads this anymore so I shouldn't feel weird about posting, but still, I don't feel like it's safe/a good idea to say everything. I just want to come clean about everything. But I can't. I can't because I don't want to make things weird, I don't want to make the last month I have of high school weird. I want to keep up the friendships I have even if they've gotten so fake it's painful.
I'm mad at you for falling back into it like it was nothing. I'm mad because I will never tell you that I'm mad. I'm mad because you'll never ever see it.
I'm dying for something, I know what that something is, I just have to find it, but I can't really look for it.
I said I would give up on that if the other worked out, the other didn't work out, and now I'm back at the beginning. I hate hate hate going in circles.
My head is an absolute jumble.
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(1 | just might make me believe)
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[09 May 2007|09:13pm] |
I have a beautiful dress for prom.
I finally have a date, and it's going to be awesome.
I think I may have gotten a 3 on my calc exam. :)
Tomorrow's English, and I think I'll kick the shit out of it.
Actually, I know.
Yay, less stress.
Tonight was fun. Monday night was fun.
I'm just having fun.
What sucks is how fucking badly I want you.
I'm going to get over you.
Even if it takes the time away.
It'll always be there.
God damn it.
...we'll get lost together till the light comes shining through. cause when you feel like you're done and the darkness has won...baby you're not lost.
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(just might make me believe)
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